I bought another lipstick. I might be a little obsessed or a lot. Which ever. It's cool.
So I've found that I'm a socially awkward person. I think I've been one for a while now, but I'm just now admitting it to myself and all my fans.
Hello fans. The two people that care. I love you.
I realized something today. Besides the socially awkward thing...
I was having a hard time with feeling excepted and loved among a certain group of people.
I didn't belong and I knew it. I wanted to stop having anything to do with them.
Every time I had to be somewhere with them I would dread it. I mean really dread it.
This all led down to one thing. I wasn't good enough. I felt it in my heart.
Every time I was around this group they were amazing, beyond friendly, perfectly righteous, and killer funny. It sucked.
I hated it.
I started to compare myself to them, wanting to be like them.
Every time I tried, i made an absolute fool of myself, then I would get mad, and run things over in my head about how stupid I was. How I stubbled over my words, how I wasn't as socially nice, and I kept asking myself why I was there, why I had said that. I wanted to die.
Usually I don't care what people think, but this was killing me slowly.
I was getting more and more depressed inside.
I wanted to quit, but my pride wouldn't let me.
I'm not a quitter, I was taught to never be one, to never stop because it got hard.
Well this got more than difficult for me. I started to blame this group for the problem I was having.
Last week, just after being with them, I found myself talking to my Heavenly Father in my car driving back to my small apartment.
This was harder than I ever expected it to be when I accepted this opportunity.
This was supposed to help me make friends, influence people, and becoming less socially awkward.
Guys! Can I emphasis enough how much I started to hate myself?
Every time I left those people I would ask myself a ton of question of "why am I not....?"
I realized something today...
I know I'm a daughter of God, I know I'm a good girl. I know who I am, but I didn't realize my self worth.
I didn't realize that the reason why I was hating these people was my own fault. Not theirs.
I wasn't trying hard enough.
It was my fault when we were told to say something nice to the person next to us, that the guy that got me couldn't say one dang thing.
It was my fault because I didn't care. I stopped caring when I couldn't measure up to this outrageous standard that I pushed myself to be, and when i couldn't reach it I would hate myself even more.
I realized this. I would never be like them. I will never be as witty, as kind, as spiritual, as social as all of them, because I put these people to unreachable heights.
I am who I am. I chose to come here. I may not be perfect, but I'm trying to be the best that I can be.
We are all different and that's why God loves us individually.
I realized that I need to be myself and stop trying to be someone else.
I don't have to be someone I'm not because I know who I am.
I'm Kimberly Craven.
And I'm back.